Do the Limbaugh: More non-apology apologies—how low can you go?

The art of the non-apology apology is often crude: a condescending, second insult on top of the first, really. But you’ve got to hand it to Rush Limbaugh. He issued a non-apology apology that was much more finely crafted than what we usually get. Forbes—Rush Limbaugh’s Non-apology Apology

While it’s true I used an expletive in expressing that President George W. Bush irrevocably damaged this country “nine ways from Sunday,” I wasn’t making a literal claim that the former President had had non-consensual sex with a land mass.

Though I was only referring to Mrs. Palin’s boundless tenacity, a trait some female dogs share with her, I used poor judgment in conflating the two. I hope the dogs will forgive me. 

By calling the pope that word, I meant to imply he’s as indispensable to healthy daily functioning as that anatomical opening we all share.

When I replaced the first syllable of Ann Coulter’s last name with a very bad word that also begins with a “C,” that was due to a momentary lapse in self-control, where my internal voice forgot that it’s not my external voice. And my internal voice should have known better than to hit “send” on the email that went out to my entire mailing list.

When I suggested that Mr. Romney could not locate his sex organs with the Hubble Space Telescope, it was not meant as a slur on hardworking astronomers everywhere.

I would sincerely like to apologize to any feminine hygiene accessories that may have been offended by my comparing Mr. Limbaugh to them. I want to assure those douchebags that I hold them in a much higher regard.