Why I am applying for the job opening at Goldman Sachs

See also: “Why I Am Leaving Goldman Sachs,” NYT

Dear Messrs. Blankfein and Cohn:

Like you, I, too, was disappointed in Gregory Smith’s messy public resignation. Unlike you though, probably, I also did a little dance. Because the fact is, I’ve been having a heck of a time finding a job paying more than $400,000 a year. One I can tolerate, anyway.

And so it is with great pride and no humility that I put myself forward for the job Mr. Smith vacated in such an unseemly way. And let’s get this out of the way right now: I’ll save you money. Greggie-baby made $500 large. I’m willing to accept only $450,000 a year, provided I get Fridays off (Fridays I see my therapist).

I read that Goldman’s leaders wondered why Gregory didn’t come to you first. I wondered that, too. That would have made it so easy to ignore his whiney ass and keep his noisome kvetching under your hat. In hindsight, that would’ve been so great! Damn, but he had to go and pop off in an OpEd. So I want to assure you that when I go, I will go quietly. In fact I venture to say that for the right severance package, I will go silently. Like a stealth motherfucking bomber, homes.

As far as competence, qualifications and experience, well, let’s just say I am a fast learner. And there was that time when I was a waiter that I shortchanged a customer $20. It was unintentional, but the guy never noticed, and I didn’t tell him as he left. I kept the money and spent it on myself. I think you’ll agree this episode shows I have promise.

I realize you need to keep up the pretense of being an equal opportunity employer, so I am willing to come in for a pro forma interview. Shall we say 10am tomorrow morning? I can start immediately afterward. Oh, but can I have tomorrow afternoon off? I’d like to go celebrate my new job working for the greatest, most generous, most honest and ethical employer a guy could ever have.

And I’ll put that in writing.

Sincerely,

Rich Malley

PS: Assuming I’ll be assigned a car and driver once I’m hired, can we just bump that process up a bit and have a driver pick me up for the interview? Thanks.