My latest "rejected" letter to People Magazine

The Editors
People Magazine
People Plaza
New York City, New York (State)

Sirs:

Regarding yours of 1/29/12 (Demi in Danger: Why Is She So “Exhausted?”), I must really ask, isn’t the answer self-evident? And even though you represent them with actual quotation marks, we know those are really “air quotes” around the word “exhausted,” so quit playing cute.

To this reader, there has been no harder working or more dedicated entertainment professional than Miss Demi Moore. From her “Brat Pack” days until now, she has been unstinting in giving her fans what I like to call Demi’s 3 Cs: Craft, Caring and Comeliness.

Craft: Hello, did you see G.I. Jane? I did, and I’ll not likely forget it in this lifetime. Just the thought of Miss Demi Moore’s tough but vulnerable portrayal of Lt. Jordan O’Neil can still make me need to take a moment to compose myself.

There. All better. And caring? Miss Demi Moore cares. You can just look at her and tell she cares. What does she care about? Doesn’t matter. This is a caring person. And that, in and of itself, is exhausting.

Need I go on? I must. I shall.

Comeliness: Whether sporting the look of voluptuous youth, or her more recent turn as an emaciated cougar, has there ever been a lass comelier than Miss Demi Moore? My cherished late mother in her virginal youth may have come close—I don’t know, I wasn’t there, but I’ve heard stories from my Uncle Ted. But once my mother had me and my siblings, well, let’s face it, things sag and wrinkle, don’t they? Unless you are Miss Demi Moore, who is comeliness incarnate, in spite of being a REAL MOTHER! Can you imagine what she must go through every day just to leave the house? Seriously. If that’s not enough to make anyone exhausted, I don’t know what is.

Why is Miss Demi Moore exhausted? Because it is hard work to be Miss Demi Moore, that’s why. It’s the toughest job she’ll ever love. So step off, busters!

Yours very sincerely,

R. David Malley