New retro-inspired affectations for the urban dandy

STRAW boater? I beg your pardon—my topper is crafted from Fair Trade Amazonian reeds.

Everything old is new again for today’s fashion conscious young urban gentleman. Witness the profusion of mid-19th century facial hair trends, including Amish-style beards, handlebar moustaches and lamb chop sideburns, as well as the resurgence of nostalgic accessories like pipes, cufflinks and horn-rimmed spectacles. So look for these updated additions coming soon:

Spats—Originally intended to keep the horse manure kicked up by passing carriages from splattering the gentleman’s dress shoes, the new/retro models are made from sustainable hemp and designed especially to shield the pale bare ankles that skinny jeans and Converse low tops leave unprotected.

Walking sticks—True, they’re no longer needed to keep one’s balance over rough, uneven cobblestone streets. But the handcrafted reproductions also serve as a WiFi hotspot extender.

Hip flasks—Now with a special coated lining built to stand up to the astringent chemistry of small batch locally produced artisanal rum.

Monocles—I say, what man wouldn’t look dashing with one of these single-lensed lovelies? Especially now that the neckchain conceals a handsfree bluetooth headset.

Watch fob—How does one remove one’s handcrafted pocket watch from the watch pocket of the satin vest one wears under one’s heirloom alpaca greatcoat? With one’s new organic silk watch fob based on the patterns of master 19th century fobsmith Blackie Rudyard, of course. Concealed docking port means it doubles as a kinetically powered iPhone charger.   

Capes—If they were good enough to cloak a Victorian gentleman against the damp chill of a heavy fog on the moors, they’re good enough to shield today’s urban dandy from the frigid drafts of an overly air conditioned cubicle. Made from new “smart” fabric sourced from recycled plastic water bottles.