Black Friday tragedies missed by the national media

Saggitus, MI—A local child was hospitalized for extreme disappointment after learning that his mother failed to secure a RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer set at a discount store’s Black Friday sale.

The boy, 9, was listed in fair condition in Runcie County Medical Center with what doctors characterized as “severe exhaustion brought on by extended hyperventilation,” following a two-hour screaming fit. His mother was being treated for depression thought to be caused by the profound guilt of failing to provide her only child with the toy he most wanted this Christmas.

The mother, who is recovering from a hip transplant, arrived at the store several hours before its Black Friday midnight opening, missing the family Thanksgiving dinner in the process. But the store’s meager allotment of RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer sets was gone before she could hobble to the toy department.

“We will have no statement at this time,” said a family spokesperson. “We’d ask that you respect our family’s privacy during this difficult moment. But anyone with a spare RobotX Cage Battle Destroyer set is asked to contact us through the Wanted to Buy section of Craigslist.”

Fishbelly, MT—Ted Malone thinks he may have sold Whiskers, the affectionate cat that has greeted customers of his gift shop for nearly five years, and he’s asking for help securing her return.

“I haven’t seen her since we closed after 24 hours of business on Black Friday,” the downcast shopkeeper sad. “People were in a buying mood, and of course we were in a selling mood. The details are kinda hazy, but I think I threw Whiskers in as a deal-sweetener for some lady who was hedging on a $400 sale. I wish I knew for sure. Damn cat needs its insulin.”

Malone asked that anyone with details of Whiskers’ whereabouts call him at Things ‘n’ Such, his store in the Fishbelly Market Mall.

Bloodwater, GA—Authorities have charged a local store clerk with several counts of assault after she allegedly tried to blind customers with a laser price scanner.

Melinda Davis, 23, was taken into custody late Friday and released on bond early Saturday. Authorities say she may face as many as seven felony counts.

According to police, at the end of an 18-hour shift working a checkout stand at Hardin’s Family Clothing, Davis became angry at the many customers who argued over discrepancies between marked prices and those she rang up on her cash register. It was then, according to witnesses, that she started thrusting the laser barcode scanner in her customers’ eyes.

“After she did one lady, I heard her yell, “What’s the price now, bitch? How about blind ninety-nine?!”’ one of Davis’s co-workers said. “All this while the lady was rolling on the carpet screaming, ‘My eyes! My eyes!’”

A spokesman for the store said there would be no comment until the company’s lawyers had a chance to review the facts of the case.