More highlights from the neighborhood listserv

ONE OF MY CHILDREN MISSING!!!!
HAS ANYONE SEEN A LITLE TOW-HEADED BOY??!!! HE WAS HERE!!! BUT NOW I CANT FIND HIM?!!!! HELP!! PLEASE!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AV

PS: DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NUMBER TO 911?!!!!!

STEERING COMMITTEE OFFICERS ELECTION TONIGHT
Hello, neighbors. I wanted to invite one and all to the meetingof the Festive Occasion Committee (formerly known as the Hol iday Decorating Committee, formerly known as the Christmas Committee)which will be electing officer s for this year’s committee’s Steering Committee. The Steering Committee isavery important working group of the F.O.C., which p roposes agenda items for the F.O.C.’s coming term. These age nda items are the only items thatmay be voted on by the F.O.C.’s RulesComm ittee, which actually sets the F.O.C.’s agenda. So, as you can see, these Steering Committee officer elections are veryimportant. So,come on down to Granger and Susie’s front yard tonight at6pm! See democracy inaction!—Granger &Susie on Plum St.

NEVER MIND ABOUT THE KID!!!!
THAT WAS ONE OF MY LITTLE BOYS’S’S FRIEND’S. HES NOT ONE OF THE ONES THAT LIVES HERE. ONLY SOMETIME DURING THE DAY?!?! ALL MY KIDS I HAVE COUNTED FOR!!!!—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I MOVED AWAY FROM MARIPOSA HEIGHTS TO GET AWAY FROM THE NAZIS
For your information, I moved away from Mariposa Heights to get away from the Nazis. Last time I checked, this neighborhood was still a free country. You know who you are, you know what I mean, and you know what I’m talking about.—Trey on Solstice Ln.

ANYONE GOT A PAELLA PAN?
And some saffron threads? Hit me if so.—Shelly on Oakleaf Pl.

HOLY SHIT!
Did y’all hear that?—Marvin on Maple

OK!! LOOK FOR KID! AGAIN!!
HIS OWNMOTHER IS INTERESTED. IN FINDING HIM!!! BUT SHE DOESNT LIVE IN!!!! THIS NEIHGBOORHOOD!!! WHAT IS THE NUMBER FOR 911 WHER E SHE LIVES????!!!????—BERTHA ON HOLMES AVE.

NEED A BABYSITTER?
Hello, neighbors. After much discussion among the family and also with Devandra, my life coach, David and I have empowered our daughter, Freedom Flower, to reach her own conclusions about whether she would like to earn extra income (on top of her weekly family profit sharing) by babysitting kids in the neighborhood. We are so proud to announce that after weeks of careful consideration, she has indeed chosen to take her first tentative steps down this path. If you are interested, we have created a website for her, www.freedomflowersits.com, where you can book babysitting appointments. Or, friends who have our home number can simply press 2 to access her touchtone response scheduling system. Please note that Freedom Flower is a sensitive child, so she can only work in television-, artificial coloring-, and sucrose-free households. And to ensure that she rests long enough to enter into the deep, regenerative sleep states all 19-year-olds need, she must be home by 11:30pm.—Sylvia on Birch

DAMN! WTF?
There it is again.—Marvin on Maple