My latest rejected letter to People Magazine

The Editors
People Magazine
New York, NY
Dear sirs (and madams, if any):

It is with great vexation and torment that I posit a query in response to, “Half Their Former Size,” your cover story of Dec. 28, 2011. I only write because I am yet to come up with a satisfactory answer myself, though I have after worried over the problem non-stop for several days, to the point that I fear the management of this 24-hour restaurant is becoming less hospitable to the solitary ruminations and occasional outbursts coming from booth 17.

My query is simply this: What happens to the souls of the people who reduce to a mere fraction of their former selves? Where do the portions of their souls that correspond to their lost body mass go? Do those portions of their souls go to heaven? If not, then where? Is there some limbo-like state for the souls of lost excess weight?

And what of the the plus-sized sinner who reduces and then, once svelte, repents and hews to the righteous path? His/her reduced soul portion must surely be initially consigned to hell, but what about when the rest of the person, now saved, shrugs off this mortal coil? Does the remainder of his/her soul go to heaven, while the soul portion corresponding to the weight he/she lost before he/she accepted God remains sizzling and spluttering in the eternal infernal flames?

And what about grease fires?

I eagerly await your reply.

Most sincerely,

R. D. Malley

PS: More ScarJo, please!