New Year's Resolutions My Attorneys Can Live With

Before posting my list of New Year’s resolutions, I though it best to check with my attorneys, Haigh, Ourly, Rait and Ferwatt. I just got the list back from them, so here goes.

My (non-binding) New Year’s Resolutions
(a list for entertainment purposes only)
by Rich Malley d/b/a Rich Malley Interactive, a Limited Liability Corporation

Weight Loss
Insofar as my weight may exceed widely accepted weight range norms for persons of my age, height and gender established by the American Medical Association and/or other credible health authorities, I shall endeavor to “lose”* said weight through an effort (The Effort) consisting of one or more means, including, but not limited to, (a) a reduction in food intake; and (b) an increase in physical activity undertaken for no other express purpose aside from increasing my body’s consumption of reserves of stored fat. Whether or not I am successful in The Effort, no person shall construe The Effort as an endorsement on my part of any general or specific weight loss stratagem or technique, nor I shall be liable for any person’s blood sugar crashing before dinner time, causing them to have a Snickers.

Gossip, Chilling the Fuck Out On
While acknowledging that there exists or has existed a perception that I have engaged in sharing actual or speculative information relating to persons known or unknown to me, which information has been gleaned in confidence, but without acknowledging whatsoever whether such perception has any basis in fact, I hereby resolve to curtail any activities on my part that might result in greater dissemination of such information, whether my activities are real, virtual or imagined, and whether the purported information about Gary banging Matt’s ex is true or within the context of a given conversation, even though I think Gary should know better.

Procrastination, Curtailment of
Without admitting that my failure to execute certain tasks, whether such tasks were undertaken for my own purposes or as works for hire, by certain deadlines—the arbitrariness of which I do not disclaim—have caused any harm, whether material or imagined and whether to myself or others, I do hereby resolve to apply all necessary effort** to complete any similar tasks undertaken in the future in a more timely manner. After lunch.

Wow, I feel like a better person already. Happy New Year!

*”Losing” weight does not mean I disclaim ownership in it; all weight that was once part of my body shall remain my property in perpetuity, especially any weight that was part of a process resulting in royalty producing creative works.

**“Necessary effort” shall be determined exclusively by me and such determinations shall binding in any matters of law, tortious, or, God forbid, criminal.