7 Self-Validation Techniques You Must Learn Now or Kiss the Rest of the Week Goodbye, Fool

Look in the mirror, point your finger like a gun, make a shooting noise, and then pantomime blowing the smoke out of your gun barrel/finger.

Call yourself from an outside line and when the receptionist says you are on the phone, curse and say, “But I need him/her NOW!”

Lick your finger, touch it to your ass, make a sizzling sound, then pull your finger back quickly, as if your ass was a red-hot stove.

Buy a large foam hand and pat yourself on the back with it.

Mentally “rebrand” your friends and associates to highlight unfavorable comparisons, e.g., Joe “Rotten Marriage” Simpkins, Joanna “Shitty Job” Pliston, Candy “Pathetic Loser” Shapiro, Barry “Horrible Acne” Smith, Candace “Has Gone without Sex Even Longer Than Me” Miller, etc.

Hire a hype man to follow you around and selectively complete your sentences while shouting “Yeea-ah!” after every third or fourth thing you say.

Don’t attempt anything new or difficult.