Transcripts from my hacked voicemail

As one of the more celebrated freelance interactive copywriters in the 78704 ZIP code, I’m used to living life in a fishbowl and being hounded by the press. Still, I was horrified to learn that my voicemail had been hacked by reporters for the News Corporation, which explains why sensitive details of my private life have been scintillating tabloid fodder for years. In response to my legal filings, their lawyers recently forwarded the following transcripts:

05/29/08 09:33
“Hello, Mr. Malley. This is Cathy with your dentist’s office. Just calling to confirm your 1pm appointment tomorrow.”

05/29/08 15:06
“Sorry, wrong number.”

05/29/08 15:07
(no message left)

05/30/08 10:33
“This is the Home Depot. Your paint is ready.”

05/30/08 13:10
“Mr. Malley, this is Cathy from Dr. Mershner’s office. Just wondering if you were on your way for your appointment that we called to remind you about yesterday. If you aren’t going to be able to make it, please give us a call as soon as possible.”

05/30/08 13:27
“Hang on. I’m calling him right now. (unintelligible) Lame ass (unintelligible) skipped (unintelligible).”

05/30/08 15:14
“Hi, this is Brad at the Home Depot, calling about your paint. We’re open until 10pm tonight. Thanks.”

05/31/08 09:34
(recorded message) “Hello, my name is Susan. I’m calling about a great new opportunity. GlowLife Supplements are the hot new nutrition trend that everyone is talking about. You’ve been chosen to receive free training to become a regional GlowLife distributor.  Gather a list of your friends names and phone numbers, then press 1 to…” (recording time expires)

06/02/08 08:55
“Mr. Marley, this is Gary, paint manager at the Home Depot. We’ve got quite a large order of custom mixed paint waiting to be picked up and were just wondering when you might be coming in to pay for that and get your paint.”

06/02/08 09:06
“This is Cathy from Dr. Mershner’s office. We missed you the other day when you failed to show up for your appointment. We wanted you to know that per the policies you agreed to when you became a patient, we will be sending you a bill for this appointment. Call me if you have any questions. Thank you.”

06/04/08 08:13
“Mr. O’Malley, this is Gary, paint manager at the Home Depot. Please call me at 645-0808. Press three for paint.”

06/05/08 08:18
“(unintelligible) asshole stuck us with this paint. (unintelligible) won’t call me back. Asshole.”

06/13/08 17:23
“Sorry, wrong number.”