Dickish driving behaviors—your turn


Man, what is it about getting behind the wheel of a car that makes us go from 0 to pissed off in 3.2 seconds? I dunno, but you guys added lots of dastardly dickish driving behaviors of your own:

Offramp Overtakers
People who use exit lanes as passing lanes.

Oh, But They’re So Spaced Out
People who put 4 car lengths between them & car in front of them at red lights, thus negating intersection crossing efficiency.

Somewhat similar are the…

Public Safety Dicks
It’s rush hour traffic (morning or evening) and you get behind a dickhead who is intent on maintaining the 2-second following rule NO MATTER WHAT, therefore allowing car after car to fill the void that he/she creates. The second aspect is the physics involved: this dickish driver allows so many more cars into his lane, therefore pushing those following further back and you experience a time/space warp of driving backward while driving forward!  It is astounding.  I’ve actually said out loud, “Wait…didn’t I already PASS the 45th Street exit..??!!”  That kind of confusion and distraction (not to mention RAGE) created by these dicks probably leads to more accidents than statistics show. They probably don’t even keep statistics on dick drivers.  Now THAT’S dickish.

PS:  I used to work with a woman who fessed up that she ALWAYS drove to the front of the line (where Enfield has to exit from northbound MoPac), knowing someone would relent and let her merge left into the lane of traffic. I asked her if she understood the dickish nature of this practice. Her response?  “And…?” Yeah.

Yeah. She’s a dick.

You’re driving on the ramp to the freeway, and the dick is behind you. As you’re accelerating to merge left into the lane, he floors it and crosses the double-white line to get ahead of you, blocking your entry and giving you even less space to get on the freeway.

Double Dicking at Dunkin
Double-parking your Earthwrecker 3000 SUV directly in front of the Dunkin vs. hauling it another 350 feet to the empty spot up the block a bit. Though I guess this is a cost-benefit thing: that extra distance would burn 1 gallon of gas, so maybe it’s environmentally-friendly to be so dickish. Thanks for going green, you lazy slob.

Yeah, you lazy slob DICK.

Slow Rollin’ in the Fast Lane
Invariably on the drive upstate (two lanes of narrow, winding road), we encounter someone in the fast lane driving slow (50-55). Very often at exactly the same speed as the person beside them in the slow lane. This creates a dangerous situation of passing on the right or more often the crazy speeders (80-85) swerving in and around everyone that has the sense to patiently wait for the slow driver(s) to wake up.


Nervous, Chattering Center Squatters
The same road  is notoriously windy and narrow (no shoulder) and there’s always one driver that is either nervous and/or on the phone and insists on straddling the center. Taking up two lanes at any given moment while paying absolutely no attention causes otherwise calm and collected  drivers to tailgate, honk horns, or flash their lights (many times all three).

Milquetoast Mergers
Dicks who aren’t satisfied to merge into traffic thru the double white line at the end of the exit lane, but take it one step further and go thru the striped area and into the shoulder area before they merge in.

Turn Signal Turnoffs
Dicks with cars that obviously don’t have turn signals installed because they NEVER use them!

Chicken-Playing Dicks
Yeah, I turned from Riverside north onto Congress yesterday and some Dick decided he *had* to try and cross the street in his hummer even though I was clearly bearing down on him. I shook my head as in ‘Don’t you do that’ . He stopped but then honked at me as I went past. Dick.

Dicks Blocking the Box
Stop pulling into intersections during rush hour when it’s clear that there’s no room for you and your car on the next block! It’s called gridlock! And it’s your fault, you dick!

The “I’ll Just Play It Safe” Corner Turner Dicks
The D-bags with the incessant need to pull out of their lane slightly when making a sharp right or left-hand turn. You’re not barrel racing here! There’s not a fucking cone on the corner! DICKS!

Ah, that one gets me, too! It’s usually people in SUVs who do this, driving like they think they’re behind the wheel of a Greyhound bus.

Multi-tasking Dicks
It’s a tossup between the right turners bowling over the pedestrians or the asses throwing the cigarette butts into the street. Its seems to usually be the super cool, hip people who can do both at the same time.
Thanks all who contributed! Sorry if I left yours out—some were very similar to others.