Dickish driving behaviors


Do you ever find yourself driving behind someone who does something rude or selfish and tell yourself, “Man, I’m never going to drive like that dick?” Yeah, me too.

Line Cutting: Ooh, I hate this. Where two lanes merge into one, because of road construction, say, there will be a long line of cars in the lane that goes through as we obedient drivers obey the signs and merge into that lane. Then here comes Mr. Dick (and it’s almost always Mr.) who says, “Me? I’m too important to wait. I’ll stay in the lane that ends, pass all of these lined up cars, then prevail on someone at the front of the line to let me in.” And someone always does! Why?! Why let these dicks in? I pretend they’re invisible. Let them rot right there where the lanes merge, I say. But people in this town are too nice, and someone always lets them in. This does not happen in Houston. In Houston, they are hypersensitive to line cutting effrontery. There, drivers squat over both lanes to stop the putative dicks in their dicky tracks. I’ve even see a driver in the slow lane swing out into the lane that is ending to block one of these cocks. That’s fighting dickishness with dickishness and we need more of it here.

Surprise Signaling: This is just endemic in this town. You are waiting at a light in the left lane, the light turns green and that’s when the person in front of you decides to use her turn signal. Surprise! She’s turning left! If you had known that when you were approaching the light, you would have moved into the right lane, but, no, she fooled you into staying behind her. She’s turning—what does she care? Dick.

Passer/Turner: You know this dick. He’s in the wrong lane to turn, so what does he do? He speeds up, slips over and slows down for his turn, forcing everyone he’s just passed to slow down with him. He could’ve waited for a gap in the other lane, slowed down and moved over, but noooooo. He’d get kicked out of Dick Club for such reasonable behavior.

Racing to the Red Light: Ugh, maddening! It’s 2pm, no one is getting anywhere in a hurry, but here’s Super Dick barrelling along doing 45 in a 35 so he can squeeze into your lane just before the light turns red. These dicks expend twice the gas and three times the stress to shave 45 seconds off a crosstown trip. And often as not, they are the last ones through the green light, leaving you to sit through another red light cycle. DICKS!

Send me your least favorite dick moves. If I get enough good ones, I’ll post a Part 2.


Oh, and you might want to check out zapatag.com. It’s a site that let’s you call out bad drivers by license plate. Not sure what good that’ll do, but if that’s your thing…