Important changes to your privacy settings

Disclaimer: the word “privacy” should not be construed to mean that you as a user have any shreds of privacy remaining. A segment of our user population may have previously “used up” their privacy. If you are part of that user segment, these changes do not apply to you. Bonus.

In an effort for greater transparency and other reasons we’d rather not go into, we have introduced new features that let you more strictly guard your remaining privacy shreds on our site. To make it easier for the vast majority of our users, all profiles will automatically default to what we think will be the most popular user setting, Fully Compromised. The other available settings are Pretty Well Compromised, Fairly Compromised, and, of course, the most basic and limiting setting, Not Nearly Compromised Enough.

Should you wish to change from Fully Compromised to one of the more limiting settings, please be aware that:

  • You are only kidding yourself
  • You may not be able to use some advanced site features, like “browse,” “search” and “click”
  • We didn’t find your private life all that interesting to begin with
  • We will still serve you ads that you’d like to think aren’t meant for you, but really are. (We’re talking to you, Larry Martin who graduated from Ervis H.S. in 1991. Larry, it’s your 20th reunion this summer. We’ve been reading Janet Sinclair’s emails and guess what? A), She’s going to the reunion, and B), She separated from Steve. It’s not too late to deal with your hair loss situation. Do yourself a favor, Larry—click a Hair Miracle banner. You don’t have much to lose, literally.)
  • Your privacy settings may “slip back” to Fully Compromised on account of it was an accident

To change your privacy setting, simply do the following:
  • Go to the “My settings” menu
  • Choose the appropriate settings view (hieroglyphic, algorithm or binary)
  • Find the relevant data points within the matrix
  • Open a new tab and click on the “Privacy” link, if you can find it
  • Dial this number: 888-395-5877. Let it ring twice. Hang up. Call back. Ask for Dom. Hang up. 
  • Click “OK.”
  • Burn your computer