8 surefire ways to boost your memory (or maybe it’s 9)

1. When you’ve got something really important to remember, jab your hand with a scissors. When you notice the pain and bleeding, you’ll be reminded.

2. Divide everything in threes. Have a hard time remembering names? Break them in three, like so:

YOU: Hi! What’s your name?
THEM: Gary.
YOU: Gah. Uh. Ree.
THEM: I’m out of here.

3. Draw a “mental memory map.” It works like… Um. Well, say you’ve got a big test coming up; the first thing you do is… Oh. Shoot. More on this later.

4. Jot notes inside the waistband of your Depends.

3. OK, I got it! First, form a visual image of the thing. Unless it’s a smell. ?… Wait.

5. Associate the thing you want to remember with one of the voices in your head.

6. Hold your tongue. Continuously.

3. I think I remember that this one wasn’t really that great anyway.

7. Hire one of those memory-whatdayacallit-type people.