Things Liz taught me during our brief marriage

Sure, to some it may have looked more like a wild four-day weekend, but my union with Liz was longer than at least two of her other marriages. These are just a few of the things she said to me then that will stay with me forever:

“You’re a small man, Malley. A cheap, small, petty man.”

“Ooh, get the bigger one. Remember, darling—more glimmer, more glamour.”

“I converted when I married Eddie. If it was good enough for his mother, it should be good enough for yours. Do you want me to talk to her?”

“You don’t expect me to live here, do you?”

“Be a dear and look away for a moment. I think I just split my caftan.”

“I may say spiteful things from time to time, darling, but remember I will always love you. Now be a good boy and help Mommy find her pills.”

“You may call that living. I call it dying. Slowly.”

“Oh, lighten up,  Malley. No matter how many times we get married and divorced, you’ll still only have one wife like me.”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake, don’t be ridiculous. I was just showing him how to align my coccyx.”

“I know you love me, darling, but this is really for the best. And remember, it’s not goodbye. Whenever you need anything—anything at all—just call. I’ll see that Larry takes care of it.”