Product names Hammacher Schlemmer WISHES they’d thought of

 

You never know—if things break my way, you may be seeing these in SkyMall soon:

The Self-Pleasuring Velveteen Flocked Digitally Controlled Mechanical Gibbon

The Mock Sterling Silver Plated Automatically Emptying Pencil Shavings Sorter

The Use It Once and Know What It Feels Like to Be Ripped Off Device of Dubious Utility

The Full Duplex Wireless Telephonic Personal Communicator, Now with “Touchtone Dialing”

The Combination Bodily Crevice Conditioner/Transoceanic Maritime Rescue Beacon

The Radio Controlled Plaything That Your Child Will Enjoy for About 10 Minutes Before Going Back to Shaving the Cat

The World’s Finest Computer Assisted Wedgie Giver

The Hot Wax Body Hair Removal System Removal System

The Essentially Just An Ordinary Ballpoint Pen