Kiss my apps: Three new releases

Red Candidator—Using digital litmus tests and money sniffing technology, this app makes finding an electable Republican presidential nominee fast and easy.
User rating: 2.5 out of 5
User comments: “Do not buy this app. It gave me Rick Santorum.” “It seems like it should work, but every time I enter my parameters it spits out Mitt Romney. That can’t be right.”

iBabySit—Just place your smartphone in a woolen sock and let iBabySit do the rest. It’s randomized patterns of soft cooing sounds and soothing vibrations will keep newborns docile for hours, so you can go out and do your thing.
User rating: 2.5 out of 5
User comments: “Not perfect, but sure beats paying $10 an hour—and I don’t have to worry about hiding illegal nanny payments to the IRS. Later, Consuela!” “The bonding period was a little buggy, but now my little guy actually prefers iBabySit to me.” “How am I supposed to ‘do my thing’ when my baby is monopolizing my phone? Like I’m supposed to buy another smartphone to use this stupid app? If an old-fashioned wind-up alarm clock in a stocking cap was good enough for me, it’s good enough for my kid.”

VoiceTextEmailVoice—Now listen to your voicemail messages on your phone, whenever it’s convenient for you. VoiceTextEmailVoice converts voice messages on your phone to text messages which it sends to the email address associated with your mobile carrier account. The text message is converted to an email, which is forwarded to your regular email account. Then, using the VoiceTextEmailVoice interface, you open that email and hear the message played back to you IN THE SENDER’S OWN VOICE! And it all happens right on your phone!
User rating: 2.5 out of 5
User comments: “Oh, my God. I have been waiting for something like this my entire life!” “Holy shit, I can’t believe how gullible I am sometimes.” “DO NOT BUY! I upgraded to version 3.4.2 and now I am incontinent.”