America, you've lost your muffin bearings

You’ve lost your muffin way. you ain’t seen nothin’ til you’re down on a — oh, never mind

When did a muffin become, like, dessert?

What happened to the robust, only-slightly-sweet muffins of yore, America?

Now you can’t even find an oat bran muffin that’s not like a super-sweet Hostess concoction. The top crust is invariably syrupy and sticky, instead of tough like leather, as muffin tops (I said muffin tops!) are supposed to be.

Check out some of the calorie counts for muffins and freak out. 470 calories for a blueberry muffin?! Starbucks, WTF? Damn, son. May as well have a Grand Slam and get your gluttony on right proper. 

Unless sane muffins return to America, the terrorists will have won.