A tour through Ark Encounter

“Facing a rising tide of joblessness, the governor of Kentucky has found one solution: build an ark. The state has promised generous tax incentives to a group of entrepreneurs who plan to construct a full-size replica of Noah’s ark, load it with animals and actors, and make it the centerpiece of a Bible-based tourist attraction called Ark Encounter.”

NYT: In Kentucky, Noah’s Ark Theme Park is Planned

Welcome to Ark Encounter. I’m Esther, and I’ll be your guide as we travel through the Old Testament on our way to fun and thrills.

As we look out our chariot to the left, you’ll see our Stoning Circle. Be sure to drop by for the hourly show and watch a young village couple who couldn’t wait take some hard knocks—literally! Tickets may be purchased at the MoneyChanger booth in the Main Temple and, of course, they are tax deductible. The show may be disturbing for sensitive, impressionable children, so don’t let them miss it.

Moving along, fathers and sons will be interested in our next attraction, Abraham’s Sacrifice. Dads place their boys (48” in height or shorter, please) on our very own Supplication Stone™. Moms’ll get a kick out of what comes next—a bolt from on High (really a harmless surge of low amperage electricity) that “shocks” dads to their monotheistic senses. Sorry, liability issues require us to ask those with pacemakers or prosthetic devices containing conductive material to skip this attraction.

Your trek through the OT is sure to leave you hungry, so stop by one of the Fatty’s Flatbread locations scattered throughout the park. Take my word for it—try the pulled pork or cheesy bacon versions and you’ll never settle for mundane matzoh again.

Now on our right you’ll see the Ark Encounter Wall of Animal Angels. Many of our animal actors make a great sacrifice by relocating to the isolation and unfamiliar climate of rural Kentucky. And while some do better than others, we feel it’s only right to remember those who have fallen. The Wall is inset with the hoof or paw prints of our many Animal Angels. I personally helped my late friend Gerry the Giraffe make his mark. Pressing his withered limp foreleg into the cement not only made an impression for our wall, it made a big impression on me!

So that’s our tour. Be sure to come back next season for the grand opening of our newest featured attraction, Red Sea Surfin’, where you’ll grab a Bible-shaped boogie board and shoot the hydraulically formed curls that bisect our 100,000 gallon salt water tank every 90 seconds. So long, and God bless!