BREAKING: Commission issues toy recall list

The Commission for Cooler Toys has issued it’s annual list of toys it says should be recalled because they suck. “We had a lot to work with,” said Commission spokesperson Timmy. “It was a good year for sucky toys.”

Mountain Master Nature Blaster Strip Mine Action Set
Reason: Package says, “Move earth with the power of real pneumatic explosions!” Translation: pop some stupid dirt-colored balloons, see very little real dirt fly, feel like kicking the director of that lying commercial you’ve seen 900 times right in the nuts.

Bitchee Gurlz, Bullying Briana model
Reason: During an early production run, voice module was mistakenly programmed to say, “Hello, are you new here? Would you like me to show you around and introduce you to some of my friends?”

Brokedown Racers Railroad Crossing Rally
Reason: Unlike earlier editions, speed controls for train are impossible to override in order to wipe out more than three cars at once, or more than one car and three pedestrians. Rip off!

Computer Juniors SlimGo Tablet
Reason: No Skype, no front-facing camera, no gigabit WiFi and all of the online capabilities are controlled by parents over a web interface. Yes, you read that correctly. So you might get to disney.com—if it ever loads. Big whoop. Plus you can only go to the Computer Juniors app store, and, like, I swear the best thing they got is some lameass Crash Bandicoot retread. Please.

My Very First Vivisectory
Reason: Package says, “Includes live hamster ready for experimentation,” but really contains just a “live hamster redemption certificate.” Where are you supposed to redeem the damn thing? Also, “For ages 8 and up” is leaving a lot of 7-year-old wannabe Mengeles out in the cold. And that sucks.