I heard my local alternative weekly was thinking of adding a staff writer to do a review column about new strains of marijuana hitting the local market, even though the stuff isn’t legal here in Texas. The way I saw it, as a complete and total newbie to the subject of cannabis and it’s consumption, I’d offer a unique, refreshing perspective.
As it turned out, my information was completely wrong—the local alternative weekly wasn’t thinking about adding a staff writer to cover weed at all. But I didn’t learn that until after I’d written this, my audition column for the job:
Outlet: Johnny’s of South Central Northwest Austin
Address: ask around
Hours: by appointment only/call ahead
Parking: down the block, away from the streetlight
Notes: Only call him Johnny, even if you know him by another name
Some places the first time you sit down you feel at home. Johnny’s is not one of those places. Aside from blocking out all outside light, tinfoil over the windows does not lend the interior decor a cheery feel. Also, frequent questions from the host such as, “How do I know you again,” and “Who gave you my number,” would seem intended to make the patron feel ill-at-ease, and they succeeded with this reviewer.
Nevertheless, Johnny’s, for all its host’s gruff ways and its less than inviting atmosphere, excels at offering a wide variety of unique and delightful new cannabis strains, as outlined below.
Strain: Cranial Shitstorm
Aroma: Sweet notes of cantaloupe with a hint of ginger
Impressions: What was that?! Did you hear something?! Wait. What? Never mind. This is a comfortable couch.
Strain: Ammo Dump
Variety: Indica, hydroponic
Aroma: Sweet, kinda flowery, maybe some kinda fruity thing going on
Impressions: Shit! Did you hear that noise again?! Is someone coming?! Oh. Oh. Oh! Yeah, now I see. What was I saying again? Did I mention that I’ve seen this episode, like, 15 times? I did? OK. May I have a glass of water?
Strain: Synapse Snapper
Variety: Sativa dominant hybrid
Aroma: Kinda flowery, sweet
Impressions: Hey, what are you doing here? How did you get in my house? And why did you put tinfoil everywhere? Oh, hey, man. Johnny, yeah. Right. Your place. I remember. No, I’m good, man.
Strain: Velvet Fuzzz
Variety: Organically grown hybrid
Aroma: A lot like weed, but stronger maybe
Impressions: No. No. No. No. No. No. No! NO! NO! NO! Yes. OK.
Strain: Brain Spatula
Variety: is the spice of life, is it not?
Aroma: Like really, really, really, really, really strong weed
Impressions: Johnny, man. I’m sorry, man. I’m really sorry. I’ll pay for the lamp, man, I swear. Hey, man, do you think I could take a nug of Ammo Dump for the road? Wha? Gotcha. No, no, that’s cool, man. Yeah, I’m leaving. Hey, man, do you remember, did I drive here? Oh, yeah. Down the block. Right. Hey, thanks, Joh— Wait. How did I get outside?